The Magical Journey

4:01pm: Existencialism stays at the top but everything else shifts

You scored as Existentialism, Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page... </td> Existentialism 100% Apathy 75% Hedonism 75% Nihilism 70% Kantianism 70% Utilitarianism 65% Justice (Fairness) 60% Strong Egoism 40% Divine Command 15% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

12:54am: Thus shall ye think of all this fleeting world:
A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream,
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
A flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream.
-Diamond Sutra, ca. fourth century CE

This is quoted at the beginning of one of the world history books that I am writing about for my colloquium. There is more than one translation of the Diamond Sutra but I find this particular part at the end is most poetic when translated this way.

I have been busy looking busy. Very soon I shall write a great deal and then write no more for Skidmore. I have eaten, been drunken, and made merry. I have written, and argued, and read. Very soon now I will leave here for the last time. College does not last forever and will I have yet to meeting anything that does.

4:13pm: Quickly now while my regained sanity is still fresh. In many ways now I have taken an albatross off my neck. I do not know what I bore it for doing exactly but it has been there watching me for a year and a half. Sanity is a kind a freedom is it not? I am being steadily hit by the realization that my colloquium project needs to be worked on now. Work, always work, it has been thought of as the primary curse of mankind since time immemorial. A curse so bad that they had to find an explanation, why do we not live in an Eden? Everybody is lazy like that but I think that we are better off suffering for our livelihood. If everything were just handed to me I would have to spend all my time working to deserve it wouldn't I.

I know something now that I did not know before today. I must always strive to be my own happiness, my own sanity, my own purpose. No matter how many things are collected from outside into my self they are all transitory, even if I look at all of them together.

I have two principles I knew before but now understand at least till this bit of sanity expires.

1. Perfect happiness is happiness that is completely free from dependence on external things (this includes your closest friends) and yes this may not be attainable for all I know.

2. Everything follows from correct motion, there is always a path that will accomplish what will be. However even though every aggressive motion can result in the aggressor falling to the floor the instrument of this happening will seldom be what you would like to use at the moment.

These insights have been said to me in many guises and what I just wrote does not convey the truth in either of them. That feat is most likely impossible.

Well that's gone now. It is all a mess of paradoxes and contradictions. Let me restore truth to an inadvertent lie I made some time ago. I do martial arts to do martial arts. I really do love my martial arts friends but what we share is far more important than we are. If I had one wish it would be to understand how to accomplish anything else by inaction.

9:21am: I went ice skating yesterday. Saturday I went to a symposium. Got to practice my Chinese. Don't ask me to write about love in this thing. I won't do it. I should however be doing work but I should always be doing work. I've been learning to dance: I want to try to learn rhythm.

12:05pm:

You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page... </td> Existentialism 100% Hedonism 95% Kantianism 70% Justice (Fairness) 55% Strong Egoism 50% Utilitarianism 45% Divine Command 25% Apathy 20% Nihilism 15% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

12:54pm: My housemates' photos of me now on facebook tell a better story of my summer than I ever could. However, let me add a story here. My brother visited me in Saratoga for several days. I think his account of the venture would be better than mine but mine is all you shall have. We walked home from the train station Saturday evening and after that I walked my brother all about town from Beekman Street to Caroline. We did not visit the bars in case you are curious. Sunday we visited the Military Museum. Both Sunday and Monday nights I had to work so my brother spent the evenings with my housemates. He enjoyed himself. We also went for a long bike ride and a night time swim with my housemates. He left yesterday but not before he got to play tag in the sprinklers of the ghetto park with me and the housemates. He seemed very happy to be up here but I wonder if that is because he is lonesome and bored on Long Island. I love my brother and I will see him again when I return to our parents house for a couple days prior to taking off for China.

4:30pm: I have been reading The Mists of Avalon by Marian Zimmer Bradley. It drew me in very quickly and now I can scarcely take my mind off it. The book is a take on the legend of King Arthur from the perspective of the women mostly Morgan la Fay. It is also told with an eye to the decline of the old religion in Britain. I find myself watching the story with great sorrow. There is just so much great suffering for the recovery of something beautiful from the past that is being buried by the Christian priests, their allies among the rabble, and Queen Gwenhwyfar. Since Bradley introduces her I have felt a mixture of pity and contempt for Arthur’s queen. She is manipulated by the priests, very self righteous, and she suffers from so many terrors and guilt trips. I am repulsed by her hatred for Avalon but the story telling makes me wonder if she has the potential to be a better and happier person if only things had been different in her life. Perhaps if she had been raised in Avalon and married to Sir Lancelet who she always loved. Than again Avalon is quite nasty in its own way so I don't know.

9:09pm: My brother graduated High School today
It has been a bit of a while since my last entry but 240 Church Street or the Mold Palace as Anna and I have been calling it has no internet access. Not that I want to pay for the luxury but it would make keeping in touch easier.

My brother not only graduated today but he received an award in social studies. Proud day indeed! I am home for less than 24 hours to see his ceremony and then I go back to Saratoga to work at Lanci’s.

I should also mention that I found another job or rather this old lady found me. She wanted someone to work on her house and reliably indulge her crazy whims. It seems I fit the bill. Sometimes I wonder if I am too patient for my own good but she buys me lunch and lets me use her washing machine for my laundry. She seems very mean at first but her actions are quite generous. I am however a bit concerned that she will run out of money. There is only so much I can do to help her and ultimately she is on her own. I hope she finds a tenant for the fall and gets back into real estate alright.

3:31pm: Zen and the Art of Dishwashing
I have a job washing dishes. It is a good job because I am paid to work hard and because my workplace is a good one. I like Mr. Lanci, his wife, daughter and son. I also like the two sous chefs. They treat me well and and I am very grateful to have a full time job. The restaurant is an interesting place because it is a little family owned place that serves very good food. You can find it almost right next to the library.

Washing dishes is actually quite hard when you have to take carefull note of where everything, and i mean everything from plates to pans to tupperware, goes in the kitchen or the back room. I also have to work very quickly while still polishing water spots off the wine glasses and silverware. I find that some of the dishes that i recognize due to a minor imperfection or a unique shape have become like friends to me. I clean then lovingly and return them to the kitchen where they are laid with good food and the food being eaten or at least half eaten they return to me like children dirty from hours at the play ground. Are coffee cups happy to be filled and drunk from? Are the pots happy to be cooked in? Naturally my sentiments are absurd but I cannot escape them.

5:19pm: I went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. Isn't that lovely. I don't know if I have a job to pay the rent with this summer, I don't know how I am going to arrange my travels in China, and the real world is staring ominously at me through a thin veil of time and experience; but my teeth are fine.

You saw the good news though, right? I have rent to pay which means that I have a roof over my head in Saratoga. Of course that could be bad if I don't have a paycheck to put into it but.... Que cera cera.

6:52pm: Another Adventure
Yesterday about 9:30 Basil and I checked a DV camera out of media services. Following that we walked to Case Center, got in Brandi-sensei's car and headed for Damascus PA. I fell asleep part of the drive down there but woke up as we arrived. We drove through the fog for an hour and a half. For the first part we thought that we were going somewhere. We thought that we were going to find Asa's cabin. However we could not even see the Delaware River on our right because the fog was that thick. Peering down the road was like gazing into a bottomless abyss and although the headlights of Brandi’s car were scarcely effective her actually very nice flashlight could only light up a stretch of fog. The road was cratered with puddles from the rain and her car was not built for this sort of use even in the best of times. To make matters worse her steering column has been acting up and every bump in the road threatened us with the abyss of fog and forest on either side of the pockmarked dirt road.

By some unholy miracle we found Rolling Rock Road and we painstakingly sought Asa’s cabin. We drove up every single driveway on that dirt road which fought its way up the wall of the river valley. We had to check every driveway because their was no way to see any details other then lights without getting very close in that fog. Brandi did not check her e-mail late enough before our departure and Asa’s more specific directions were unavailable to us. After winding our way over the length of Rolling Rock Road several times we gave up. It was useless. We parked at the lower end were we started our search and hoped feverishly that Steve or Asa might find us in the morning and tell us where to go. We slept in the little car last night. Four of us were curled up in there like sardines with spinal deformities. It was necessarily a restless night. I think that each of us may have dreamed that we found his cabin. I dreamt that it was right next to us the whole time. His cabin was right at that intersection where we were attempting to sleep in Brandi’s tired little car. I awoke convinced that we were there but no such luck.

We gave up on sleeping around eight and sought a phone that did not require a signal like our cells. We found a grocery store where Mike and I each had a bad breakfast of one of those sandwiches they have in grocery stores. Mike told me that his was the worst breakfast sandwich that he had every eaten. Mine did not reach that level of putrescence but the plastic cheese sets me on edge every time. Asa found us after much discussion about the Martial Arts master of Livingstone Manor. According to a poster some kind of master warrior who with the highest ranks in three Karate, Jujutsu, and if my memory is correct Judo, plus “Olympic Fencing” offers lessons to the patrons of the grocery store. Mike wonders if he is real. I want to assume that he is and wonder if he looks like Pai Mai from Kill Bill 2. Asa directed us to his cabin.

“Why was this excursion necessary?” You ask me. Basil was testing, you see, he has been practicing his techniques to reach the Black Stripe level (right before Black Belt). Every day for thirty days he had to work out for several hours, meditate for almost an hour, eat no sugar, and drink neither alcohol nor caffeine. He also had to read a couple books and write essays that I will not understand till I am at my next level. Back when Steve taught here at Skidmore it was easy to have him on hand but now he is on the far side of Pennsylvania and we met at the cabin to find him halfway. Steve is the founder of our style and its greatest master. He looks nothing like Pai Mai but if you told me that instead of being born he was carved out of the gray rocks of the earth I might be tempted to believe you.

I will not describe the final part of the test to you but it does involve the direct observation of Steve and both Senseis. Basil has more work to do it seems. Steve will see him again in July when the gentlemen from New York City show their techniques again. I may have been among the first in our style to not pass a test the first time but it seems that I am not the last.

Slightly dejected we returned the way we came. It was not necessary to follow the River Road again. That adventure was avoidable. We followed the roads back across the Catskills and stopped only to eat at a pizza place where the proprietor had a genuine New York City accent. That tells you something about the style food. It was exactly what we were looking for. Finding our way home was much easier. It was light out, not foggy, and we knew where we were going. I hope Brandi-sensei gets that car fixed.

8:52pm: I've had interesting adventures but my friend Jon has made quite the trek. He missed his train on Sunday. I was helping him move a large box which contained some books, some papers, and his rock collection. The latter was wrapped up in bits of the fluff from his pillow. We carried it to the stairs but halfway down the bottom of the box fell out. I went home to get my duct tape so we could properly seal another box. I also found a smaller box which was easier to carry and held all his stuff except for a bit of rolled up bubble wrap, and an empty aluminum can. I helped him carry this box down to the dorm where he could to have his possessions stored over the summer. I also helped him move all the things that he had previously moved to another dorm which campus safety originally told him to do from there to the one where they actually gave him space to store things. It took quite awhile because all of his things where stored in lots of little boxes. When we finished this he needed to get his bags from his dorm at the other end of campus. Then upon getting his luggage to the car he had to walk over to case center to fetch his itinerary. The result of these delays was that he missed his train in Albany arriving just a moment too late, so he stayed the night here.

The next day we got him on a train in Saratoga successfully and I really hope that he made all his connections. He had quite a long journey ahead of him. He had to go from Penn Station to JFK to catch a Plane. He had a good 4 hours to pull this off so I believe that he made it. I do not envy the trip after that point though. He had to take a plane from JFK in NYC to Frankfort Germany, to Singapore, to Hong Kong. Jon told me this would take 40 hours. He may have exaggerated a little bit but… ouch! I haven’t heard back from him so I don’t know if he made it but I really hope he got to Hong Kong alright.

12:08am: Poetry?
Apparently I've grown mad enough to write again. I sang this one to myself for awhile earlier tonight. Perhaps it is composed of other works that I cannot recall. When I am this way I take comfort in cliches. Please forgive me.

Goodbye dear friends goodbye,
I will see you again,
Will see you again,
See you again,

Again my friends
I hope to see you before
Before the end

The world spins around
Again, and again
Our fortunes turn
Aground, again
Till we float our boats, again

It will never be, spring again,
Until the world is, new again,
I hope to see it bright and shining on
Again, and again it grows
Till the restless snows,
Do claim our hearts, again.

Today oh today, summer
Rises on us and we know
Before we know it
Fall will pull our summer loves apart

Again, it is happening again
I know I’ve seen several times before
Let me go,
Says the past
And your future,
Will run fast
Before you know it
Winter takes us back.

Again my friends,
I’ll forget you again,
As I once forgot myself.

10:29pm: Proud Day
Jeff tested today in Martial arts. He passed and is on to being a brown stripe like yours truly.

I got an A on my last Burns paper. I am so proud of this that I might forgive myself for writing a B- and a B paper earlier this semester. This is my third political thought class with Burns and once he beat the bad writing out of me I usually get B+/A- on my papers and then get dragged down by the final. This time I can hope that I did well on the final and maybe I won't have to worry about my honors status in government. I have really learned how to make careful, deliberate, articulate arguments from Burns and from Senate somehow.

I am also very proud of Feintuck for writing an A- colloquium paper. He cleaned up his prose so much that I couldn’t find any errors during the final edit for some parts of the paper, several whole pages. This smacks of overcoming.

11:39pm: Let the iron dice roll
Somehow I knew that it would end up this way. Why is it that things often fall into place the way I saw them? Sometimes it frightens me greatly. Not that it really know much but Feintuck is going south and I have only a vague idea as to where I am living. I will weather this: as much as it is fate it is also my choice. I choose not to return to Long Island but I suppose that I could always return. My parents would welcome me but I do not belong there. I will settle for whatever I can get this summer. I will study the sublime art and I will seek wisdom in suffering. Ultimately this too shall pass.

I don’t know how well I did on Burn’s final but I feel that it was better then I have done before on them. Somehow the magic of friends surpassed the magic of madness and I got my climatology report done. I have my Imperial China final Thursday and after that I will finally put together my China Project. In the meantime I abide.

I wonder what my roommate is going to do in the south. Somehow I think that he may learn a bit more wisdom. That would be lovely.

1:36pm: If I had a damned lick of sense I would be figuring out I am going to pull off getting an excellent grade on Burn's final because at this point a merely semi-decent one will insure that I merely get a semi-decent grade this semester with him. Semi-decent grades don't get you honors status in government. I will of course be attempting to write a good lab report later today and I can afford a merely semi-decent grade on that one as the rest of my grades are mostly excellent. I have been trying to pull off what seems to be a coup d'etate lately. That is to find a way for me to stay up here over the summer with housing and all. Not that I am unwilling to give homelessness a try but I'd bet that it is not much fun. Anyway I will get back to work.

11:56am: I swear this is the last filler for today. I remain an existencialist even if the rest have changed.

You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. �Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.� �It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.� --Jean-Paul Sartre �It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.� --Blaise Pascal More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page... </td> Existentialism 100% Utilitarianism 65% Hedonism 60% Justice (Fairness) 60% Strong Egoism 45% Nihilism 35% Kantianism 35% Divine Command 25% Apathy 5% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

11:48am:

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

11:15am:

How to make a Beastphilosophy

Ingredients: 5 parts jealousy 1 part arrogance 5 parts empathy

Method: Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of curiosity and a pinch of salt. Yum!

9:11am: Summer?
I think I may get into the landscaping industry this summer. I may find a place to live that lets me get over their without to much fuss. Before I do this I might even do well enough on my finals to retain honors standing in Government and History. I need to stay over a 3.5. I know that I am going to practice martial arts.

The thing I like best about martial arts is that I can devote myself to it utterly and know that somehow my efforts will be repaid in pain, wisdom, and the inner strength. Last night I realized that I am a man of vices but I do not believe that life has entirely cost me my innocence. Oh to be sure there are plenty of things that I have not done but I believe that it is not in lack of vice but in honor, virtue and wisdom that we ought to measure ourselves. I will never again possess the moral perfection of a child but through disciplined training, tireless study, and careful meditation, I hope to gain something else.

I study something called “Genri-ryu Life Protection Arts.” The first two terms are Japanese. I am told that they mean principled method. They indicate how we hope to proceed by learning the principles of things. It also indicates that we hope to live our lives by a set of principles: I hesitate to name them as I am still trying to figure them out. However, the English half of its name tells us its raison d'être. We can fight for the sake of life itself that our ability to live the best life possible is preserved and enhanced. There may or may not be any intrinsic reason to do this but human beings can live this way and create meaning in it.

I don’t know if this helps any it is after all not the same as the gods we made before we know what we were doing. I still have the right to dream of a world where both obscurantism (a policy of opposition to enlightenment or the spread of knowledge), and the fate of the last man (imagine a society where everyone lives solely for the sake of physical pleasures and for the avoidance of physical discomfort: all the while they would call their predecessors who really believed in things mad) are avoided. I can see a life of smaller communities willfully constructed out of common interests and beliefs. It is simple the ways of the last men will grow until it devours most of humanity but not all. Remaining somehow will be the obscurants. They will reject the true power of the modern age and because the enlightened will always be outnumbered by them so the enlightenment must always seek to further their strength and their capacity to live even in a land of death. Even as we seek to make it a land of life, of greenery, of clean water and air.

5:41pm: Z looked into the way of things with his mind or perhaps God looked into him. Z did not know what he saw: it was beyond comprehension so as to be indescribable. It was like seeing the universe through a set of compound eyes. His brain cannot handle that input. Z saw enough though to know that what human beings commonly think of as divine is false. None of our morality looked back at him. There was no human kindness in what he saw, no morals, nothing human at all. He saw human beings as a part of the sum totality of things. Z said, "Our lives and our selves are products of this larger existence as much as they are inputs into future existence if not more so. The universe exists in both the past and the future. Although it spreads out in many ways that I do not or simply cannot grasp I could see enough to know that my existence is contingent on everything. We bear culpability for our actions because we are only vessels of the way of things." If what makes him up is can be judged as dishonorable, then he is dishonorable whether or not it is his fault as an active agent and if he is dishonorable because of this then blaming him for being dishonorable is blaming his contingencies because that is what Z is. Z told me that there is nothing wrong with doing this.

1:31pm: Zarathustra! Zarathustra! Zarathustra!
This is how it works: Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation what the word means to you and why, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along.

I got a W from Sarah (songtocecilia)

Walrus –because I am the walrus ku ku ka chu

Wine –because you need something to make the skull speak.

Wizard –“Magic do what you will.” Even if I wanted I cannot possibly fight it.

West –I was born in the west. I was born in San Diego and if I go west far enough I will be in the Far East, in fabled Cathay.

Wo –The pinyin for I in Mandarin. I know that I exist. Although I claim to know many things, this is the only thing that I get to claim perfect certainty of.

Wealth –Wealth is easily lost because it can be made into almost everything material and a few things that are not.

Way – because the way I do anything is every bit as important as what it is that I do. If I live right I will live righteously and if I live wrong I will be miserable.

Why – is the question I ask every day and being the question that looks for the way.

Wax – beware of the sun if you should fly on wings made with wax.

Wisdom –"Happy are those who find wisdom. She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace." a quote from the Torah I cannot recall exactly where but I remember the Rabbi read it often enough when I was a child.

9:44pm: I am going to be in a staff fighting demo for the ACA dinner. I broke my five foot staff practicing with Asa-sensei (it was a few years old and well beaten) so I am going to borrow one of his. I am quite exited about it. Basil and Jeff are testing this semester and I am exited for them.

Today I turned in my last paper for modern political thought. It was on Alexis de Tocqueville’s examination of how people in a democracy value equality more than freedom to the latter’s detriment. Now we are doing Nietzsche’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” I have been looking forward to him all semester because Nietzsche has a certain dark quality. Sometimes it’s nice to read the work of a guy who once called a chapter “Why am I so clever,” sure he can be over the top but we live in a somewhat insipid age. Nietzsche writes about how we have become aware that our values are created and that we cannot rationally prove any of them.

All I know is that when it comes down to it, we cannot actually prove anything to be true with any level of certainty. Following from this the only way to assert your values is to fight for them. I have a vague sense of the world in my mind. It appears very complete to me and every attempt that I have made to extract it or explain it fails. Somehow I believe that our values actually do have a basis in physical reality. That on the societal level we must react against some things with disgust or all human societies would fall apart. I cannot yet explain it but because of the constraints of the material world their may be a way of life that will make human beings greater then any preceding way. I can prove nothing, but that will not stop me from seeking to perfect my wisdom, it will not stop me from seeking the highest levels of inner strength possible and it will not stop me from teaching whatever way I find to others. If it pleases you feel free to call me wrong but I will do my best to find the way and give it to the world.

9:23pm: I hate a large percentage of Feintuck's music. I do not dislike it or simply fail to appreciate it subtleties. Don’t take this out of context. He is very much my friend but something about the hip hop and adult contemporary that he plays seems antithetical to that which I am. I cannot put what that is into words but if you could create a piece of music that somehow stands completely opposite “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent it might turn out to the composite of all sound in my inner most dreams.

That last paragraph utterly fails to set the tone here but I needed to get that out of my system.

The budget is more or less done and so is the martial arts festival. as it stands I am going to China next year, all the paperwork is taken care of (save the visa). I am now relieved of almost all work that is not for a class and now have time to get back to work for classes. Now is the time for me to get back to studying Chinese and maybe writing papers.

In the midst of coursework for once I am starting to reflect on other things. I have been enjoying my intro to horseback riding class. It is a great deal of fun, not quite as much as martial arts of course but a great deal of fun none the less, however I am uneasy about the horses that I ride. I don’t really notice it except when I put there blanket back on but they are missing something down there. I believe Sarah quoting Memoirs of a Geisha called it an eel. Now I know that I probably would get thrown off any proud stallion that I tried to sandal and ride, but somehow part of me would prefer to take break falls off a horse then recognize the legitimacy of sending any animal into the silken chamber.

Gelding poor gelding,
Neither mare nor stallion.
I lament with you.

Sometimes when Karen tells us to sit in the trot I wonder if the horse is trying to get even with mankind. Bounce, bounce, bounce, crunch; and I can take up watching someone’s concubines.

11:40pm: To quote LBR this week sucked
I've been busy, busy, busy, busy...
...I swear I'm going mad with all this stuff.
I am enjoying it, though I can't quite figure out why.
I have this compulsion to do more work on budgets and to make them all perfect.
Microsoft Excel is like my new toy, and all I want is to do more budgets.
So much to do in so little time.
Martial Arts Festival this next weekend after the China orientation this one.
I swear I haven't had time to cook since spring break and I so want to make pancakes again.
Sometimes I want to find a portal to Narnia and be done with it.
bye bye...